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Iksion Group: Members Posts: 212 Joined: Sep. 2006 Posted: Mar. 16 2007, 05:43 Heyo people! I thought thet it woud be a good thing to put topic with jokes,so i put it So here post only jokes! Any kind of them! ANd leagh! Be hippy..arhm..Happy -------------- Im crazy old man, Im dressed in red, I drink sky like honey, enough i have said. Back to top

Matt Group: Admins Posts: 1186 Joined: Nov. 2002 Posted: Mar. 16 2007, 08:11 What do you call rush-hour on the underground with a tummy-bug? Tubular Hells... -------------- "I say I say I say I say, what's got three bottles and five eyes and no legs and two wheels" Back to top

Ugo Group: Members Posts: 5495 Joined: April 2000 Posted: Mar. 16 2007, 17:53 This is a very old one, I've already quoted it somewhere in these forums. It's so old, that a title of a Led Zeppelin song is based on it, but I don't know if everyone here (especially non-English people) will understand it. Two men are sitting in a pub in London. "Me and muh wife are goin' to the West Indies on holiday", says the first man. "Jamaica?" asks the other one. "No, she wants ta go".     -------------- Ugo C. - a devoted Amarokian Back to top

SoimSandheaver Group: Members Posts: 325 Joined: May 2006 Posted: Mar. 17 2007, 09:43 An old one from me: There are two goldfish in a tank. One of them says to the other, "Okay, how do you drive this thing?" And here's another one: An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says: "What is this? Some sort of joke?" TTFN! -------------- "Three blokes go into a pub, one of them's a little bit stupid, then the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability." Back to top

Ugo Group: Members Posts: 5495 Joined: April 2000 Posted: Mar. 17 2007, 10:14 A travelling salesman goes into a hotel and is about to check in when he sees a gorgeous woman looking at him appreciatively. He goes to her, they talk for a bit, then they both go to the reception and check in as husband and wife. After a pleasant three-day stay, the man says to the concierge that he's leaving. After some seconds the concierge comes back with a $ 2500 bill. “There must be a mistake”, says the man. “I've been staying only three days.” “I know, sir,” says the concierge. “But your wife's been here since a month and a half." And while we're talking of Scotsmen... The Queen is talking to a Scottish soldier. “So, you’re out here for a while, are you?” “Yes, ma’am!” “And you live in the barracks, do you?” “Yes, ma’am!” “You comfy there?” “No, ma’am! I come fae Glasgae!” -------------- Ugo C. - a devoted Amarokian Back to top

Inkanta Group: Admins Posts: 1453 Joined: Feb. 2000 Posted: Mar. 17 2007, 21:55 Quote (Iksion @ Mar. 16 2007, 04:43) Heyo people! I thought thet it woud be a good thing to put topic with jokes,so i put it So here post only jokes! Any kind of them! ANd leagh! Be hippy..arhm..Happy Well...they still have to be within the forum guidelines. They need to be in good taste and not inflammatory. Relating to Mike would be good.  Hmmm...just realised that my old MO joke actually got deleted with an old joke topic that went amok. /-:   So...to resurrect my bad joke:  Q. Why did Mike compose a work comprised entirely of guitars?  A. So he could win the No-Bell prize.  I am suddenly feeling like this was the Klingon approach to telling a joke.   -------------- "No such thing as destiny; only choices exist." From:  Moongarden's "Solaris." Back to top

Sir Mustapha Group: Musicians Posts: 2802 Joined: April 2003 Posted: Mar. 17 2007, 22:07 I don't know if this will work well here, but, well, here goes nothing. A guide in a museum was taking group of visitors through a dinosaur gallery. "And this one dinosaur is fifty million and two years old." The visitors are impressed with such accuracy. One of them says: "That's amazing! How can you be so precise?" The guide says: "Well... I started working here two years ago..." -------------- Check out http://ferniecanto.com.br for all my music, including my latest albums: Don't Stay in the City, Making Amends and Builders of Worlds. Also check my Bandcamp page: http://ferniecanto.bandcamp.com Back to top

Ugo Group: Members Posts: 5495 Joined: April 2000 Posted: Mar. 18 2007, 10:21 Mike-related? OK, here I go. Why did Mike call his latest album "Light and Shade" ? Because on the first CD the music is too light, while on the second CD he's been such a smooth operator... I have no idea about how many people will understand this... so here's another one Mike goes to a theatre where the musical "Notre Dame de Paris" is playing. After the show, he goes to the actor/singer who played Quasimodo and tells him: "Congrats for the show, it was excellent. You know, I'm a musician myself." "What's your name?" asks the young guy. "Mike Oldfield." "Aha! I finally found someone who can teach me how to play those bells in a proper way!!" -------------- Ugo C. - a devoted Amarokian Back to top

moonchildhippy Group: Members Posts: 1807 Joined: Dec. 2004 Posted: Mar. 18 2007, 19:40 Quote (Iksion @ Mar. 16 2007, 09:43) Be hippy. I am a hippy and proud of it .. Here's a joke:- What do electric trains and breasts both have in common?? They're intended for children but it's usually blokes who end up playing with them   . Mind you not that there's anything wrong with playing with train sets, or rather railway modelling as my Dad would say. Train sets and Scalextric were much more exciting than traditional girls toys . Also have a joke about sheep, Little Bo Peep and Humpty Dumpty but I guess it's  too rude for here   . -------------- I'm going slightly mad, It finally happened, I'm slightly mad , just very slightly mad If you feel a little glum to Hergest Ridge you should come. I'm challenging  taboos surrounding mental health "Part time hippy" I'M SUPPORTING OUR SOLDIERS BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!! Back to top

Iksion Group: Members Posts: 212 Joined: Sep. 2006 Posted: Mar. 21 2007, 16:27 I found this in some of the Mikes interwes so i find it funny They asked him:"Mike what song shoud be played at your funeral?" Mike:"Anything,except Tubular bels!!" -------------- Im crazy old man, Im dressed in red, I drink sky like honey, enough i have said. Back to top

moonchildhippy Group: Members Posts: 1807 Joined: Dec. 2004 Posted: Mar. 21 2007, 18:27 Here's a quote for you "If anybody comes to my funeral with a long face I'll never speak to him again"     Stan Laurel 1890-1965. -------------- I'm going slightly mad, It finally happened, I'm slightly mad , just very slightly mad If you feel a little glum to Hergest Ridge you should come. I'm challenging  taboos surrounding mental health "Part time hippy" I'M SUPPORTING OUR SOLDIERS BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!! Back to top

Iksion Group: Members Posts: 212 Joined: Sep. 2006 Posted: Mar. 22 2007, 04:10 Quote (moonchildhippy @ Mar. 21 2007, 18:27) "If anybody comes to my funeral with a long face I'll never speak to him again"     Stan Laurel 1890-1965. Hahahaha! Nice one Here is one joke but its on Serbian so il try my best to translate it. One very selfish man got a offer to ride in a plane with his son and if they dont scream and if they manage to not to make any sound they wil get 1000$. Pilot drived like crazy,up and down,left and right but selfish man and his son didnt make a sound. After many trying to make them scream,pilot landed airplane and get to the man and his child. Pilot:"I dont know what to say.. You are one brave man." Man:"Shut up! I almost screamed when my son felled from the plane!" -------------- Im crazy old man, Im dressed in red, I drink sky like honey, enough i have said. Back to top

Inkanta Group: Admins Posts: 1453 Joined: Feb. 2000 Posted: Mar. 23 2007, 11:19 I was at the dentist's this morning and we were trading jokes. I told him the No-Bell one, thinking that he'd probably not get it (even though I had explained who Mike Oldfield was). He laughed at the joke and responded by telling me the story of driving all the way to St. Louis with a bunch of friends to see the Exorcist when it first came out in '73--and how they were playing Tubular Bells on an 8-track tape all the way down and all the way back. Who knew? It just adds fuel to my notion that Mike has fans all over the place, but the older generations haven't embraced extensively the medium of discussion forums. -------------- "No such thing as destiny; only choices exist." From:  Moongarden's "Solaris." Back to top

Ratty Group: Members Posts: 386 Joined: Jan. 2005 Posted: Mar. 23 2007, 14:46 whats brown and sings in a tree?  Des O`Conker!!!!!!!!   -------------- Far away across the field The tolling of the iron bell Calls the faithful to their knees To hear the softly spoken magic spells Back to top

Ugo Group: Members Posts: 5495 Joined: April 2000 Posted: Mar. 23 2007, 17:22 Double - See below. -------------- Ugo C. - a devoted Amarokian Back to top

Ugo Group: Members Posts: 5495 Joined: April 2000 Posted: Mar. 23 2007, 17:23 What did Mike Oldfield say in 1975 to his Irish friend who asked him "Why do you keep making these stupid instrumental records?"?? "Tár mé Ommadawn le cheoil!!!" - or whatever the spelling is.   -------------- Ugo C. - a devoted Amarokian Back to top

moonchildhippy Group: Members Posts: 1807 Joined: Dec. 2004 Posted: Mar. 23 2007, 20:18 Quote (Inkanta @ Mar. 23 2007, 15:19) I was at the dentist's this morning and we were trading jokes. I told him the No-Bell one, thinking that he'd probably not get it (even though I had explained who Mike Oldfield was). He laughed at the joke and responded by telling me the story of driving all the way to St. Louis with a bunch of friends to see the Exorcist when it first came out in '73--and how they were playing Tubular Bells on an 8-track tape all the way down and all the way back. Who knew? It just adds fuel to my notion that Mike has fans all over the place, but the older generations haven't embraced extensively the medium of discussion forums. I guess that just proves there must be "hidden" Mike fans all over the place.  I guess I didn't get a computer 'til 04, before when I'd /we'd been offered on my then husband turned it down. I guess being the situation I was in my computer became my connection to the outside world. My ex began to hate it. For me I guess many real life friendships have started off as cyberfriends      . Quote moonchildhippy   Posted on Mar. 21 2007, 22:27Here's a quote for you "If anybody comes to my funeral with a long face I'll never speak to him again"     Stan Laurel 1890-1965. I agree, too right well said Stan Quote Iksion   Posted on Mar. 21 2007, 20:27I found this in some of the Mikes interwes so i find it funny They asked him:"Mike what song shoud be played at your funeral?" Mike:"Anything,except Tubular Bells!!" I hope  the  Ommadawn Chant  and screaming guitar solo  Part 1 of Ommadawn is amongst the music played at mine which won't be for about another 55-60 years yet given my female line. No actually I'd like all of Ommadawn Part 1 played 1, no all of Ommadawn Parts 1 & 2.  I pity who has to carry me up Hergest   Ridge when I'm all dead nd gone, Hey that's by Queen "All Dead All Dead" -------------- I'm going slightly mad, It finally happened, I'm slightly mad , just very slightly mad If you feel a little glum to Hergest Ridge you should come. I'm challenging  taboos surrounding mental health "Part time hippy" I'M SUPPORTING OUR SOLDIERS BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!! Back to top

SoimSandheaver Group: Members Posts: 325 Joined: May 2006 Posted: Mar. 24 2007, 13:54 At my funeral, I would either have In High Places or Heaven's Open in terms of appropriate MO songs. At the moment, Jesus by Queen is the frontrunner. I love that song. As for jokes: This is from a Bill Bailey stand-up: People ask me how do you write your jokes? What I do is, I start with a laugh and work backwards. This is one I heard somewhere else: A good pun is its own re-word. -------------- "Three blokes go into a pub, one of them's a little bit stupid, then the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability." Back to top

moonchildhippy Group: Members Posts: 1807 Joined: Dec. 2004 Posted: Mar. 24 2007, 19:59 Quote (SoimSandheaver @ Mar. 24 2007, 17:54) At my funeral, I would either have In High Places or Heaven's Open in terms of appropriate MO songs. At the moment, Jesus by Queen is the frontrunner. I love that song. Jesus by Queen that's cool , can't play my Queen album atm as I only have it on good old fashioned LP. On the subject of Queen I'm going to have "Another One Bites the Dust played at my funeral, I've been a Queen fan since I was 12, and it just shows my sense of humour. The Rolling Stones' Sympathy For The Devil is another definite  "WHOOOO WHOOOO" , possibly Led Zeps Stairway To Heaven, or In My Time of Dying, but I love "Since I've Been Loving You" Pink Floyds Time or Fat Old Sun. the screaming guitar climax of  Ommadawn is another one that's compulsory. Anyway this talk of funerals is a bit morbid, well not really the way I'd like it done   . Here's an old one for ya.... Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head??? A.Cliff -------------- I'm going slightly mad, It finally happened, I'm slightly mad , just very slightly mad If you feel a little glum to Hergest Ridge you should come. I'm challenging  taboos surrounding mental health "Part time hippy" I'M SUPPORTING OUR SOLDIERS BRING OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!! Back to top

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